You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
