don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
