So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
