so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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