oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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