I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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