There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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