Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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