And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
