Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
