Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
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And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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