it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
