Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
