How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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