I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.