Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
