oh god the rape fog is back!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
