And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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