I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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