It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Randomize
