I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
