Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just invented taco cereal.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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