Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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