She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
