I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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