Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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