I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
