At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Randomize
