he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
