Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
