Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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