wakey wakey hands off snakey
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
