If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
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Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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