I faked an abortion last night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
