Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
