24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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