my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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