my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
