I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
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he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.