You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.