I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.