you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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