Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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