I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
