So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
