Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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