Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
