You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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