1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
