I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
