people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
