I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
