I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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