I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
