Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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