yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
