we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I only lived at night.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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