I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
