Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
